Just One Yesterday
by alixxblack
Summary: I've been hiding from him. I don't even think of him by name. I miss him but now that I'm a monster I don't think I can ever be close to him again. I am so afraid of the consequences of implicating him any further... But I just can't stop being there for him... I need him... {T for moderate violence; regular swearing; major character death}{Also on my A03 Acct. w/ same title}


_**Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, it's characters, it plots, or otherwise. If I were – well… things would be different! Hence the fic!**_

_**Disclaimer 2: I wrote this fic loosely based around the lyrics of "Just One Yesterday" by Fall Out Boy. The lyrics are italicized and center aligned. I claim not to have originally written these lyrics.**_

* * *

_I thought of angels choking on their halos._

_Get them drunk of rose water._

_See how dirty I can get them, pulling out their fragile teeth…_

_And clip their tiny wings…_

* * *

I am standing with my hands behind my back. The assignment was to capture the angels that are deemed a threat to either Crowley or Hannah's reign. Crowley has reached a peaceful agreement with Hannah, one that truly allows Heaven and Hell to co-exist peacefully. I hear that _he_ had a heavy-handed role in the matter creating a fairly effective democratic disposition between both sides. Sam tries to tell me all about _his_ life now, but I block it all out. I don't want to know a damn thing about _his_ life. Most of the time, I can't think say his name without feeling a hole being ripped through my chest. Of all the things I missed about being human…

"You miss Castiel. You wear it every crevice of your perfect face!" A beautiful blonde girl behind me screams. She is standing in the middle of a fire. It was created with holy oil that Crowley has specially retrieved and delivered to me at the bunker. As Hannah's personal assassin I have to ensure that I have top quality products. When I turn around and stare at the young lady I can't help but see my mother. But I care not about those sorrows because I know that the angel that is using the poor girl as a vessel means nothing but harm.

"Did someone ask you to talk? I really thought that as an angel of guidance, Sariel, that you'd know to keep that fat fucking gab of yours shut. You've heard the rumors about me, haven't you? Did you really feel like testing my limits today?" There's not an angel in Heaven, nor a demon in Hell, that doesn't know what I do to the angel targets assigned to me. They don't just get kicked out of their vessel and sent back to Heaven for punishment and imprisonment.

No, I steal their grace and let them die.

And this is exactly what I do to Sariel. I take a bucket of holy oil and slowly dump it on the floor in front of me. Eventually the pool will cross the edges of the circle and trap Sariel and his vessel to an inevitable death. As he gets cornered I just pace and watch him down the bridge of my nose. He pleads for me to listen to the shred of humanity left inside of me, "YOU STEAL OUR GRACE FOR ONE REASON AND ONE REASON ONLY! YOU STEAL IT FOR HIM AND IT IS THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS YOU HUMAN, DEAN WINCHESTER!"

But I don't like being told how I feel or why I feel it, so I take the First Blade and shove it into the vessel's back, causing pain even to Sariel. Howls of discomfort and impending death fill my ears and it gives me a greater satisfaction than most anything else does anymore. Before I lose my specimen I take out a pocketknife and tear a jagged slit in the vessel's throat. With a plastic pop bottle ready I lift the lip up so that the grace pours inside. Once I've retrieved what I need I jerk away.

"Oh, almost left without my little friend." I reach my arm back and tug the First Blade from the blonde girl's back. The fire catches up and the body itself will burn and the evidence of my murder will be concealed. She will be nothing but bone by the time anyone finds her.

Sam is outside waiting with Crowley in the Impala. I never drive after I finish a case because I have to complete the files for Hannah. As we are driving I notice that Crowley keeps nudging Sam who keeps pretending to sneeze. When we make it to the motel where Crowley and I would be staying at, Sam asks me to stay behind. Crowley pushed him again as he was getting out.

"So what's the news?" I ask without a hint of surprise. Sam laughs nervously and then covers his mouth. When he looks over at me I just know that there's something big happening. I don't know what it could possibly be until he opens his mouth about the file.

Both hands are now resting in his lap, "You know that Hannah isn't in charge, right?"

"Of course she isn't." I reply. I know who directed her when things were being established. Anyone who would truly believe that _he_ didn't still have a part in the whole system would have to have been Jedi mind-tricked. Sam juts his lower jaw out and then chuckles again. Apparently there was something that I didn't piece together…?

"This file is to be hand delivered to the person who is in charge, Dean. It was the final target to disband the Metatron following." Sam announces. As the gears begin turning in my head I know that my eyes flash black in rage. Even after all these months it startles him, and this time is no exception, because he jumps a little bit. I kick the door open and stomp my way into the motel groaning and swearing under my breath. I didn't even bother bringing the file because I'd rather Sam to have to just figure that shit out on his own!

* * *

_Anything you say can and will be held against you._

_So, only say my name – it will be held against you._

_Anything you say can and will be held against you._

_So, only say my name – it will be held against you._

* * *

I am leaning against Crowley's limo. We are working a small case in Phoenix. There are some demons in the area that are going rogue and making too many waves. Crowley wants them disposed – and here we are! I am waiting for the targets to come out of the bar. In the meantime, I'm sipping my own bottle with the First Blade in hand.

"You know, there's still a place beside my throne in Hell. You'd have your own luxurious room." Crowley offers. This is the hundredth or so time he's offered me a place downstairs. We have grown close, almost friendly actually, and I can see him warming up to my company. As a Knight of Hell I know that it is expected of me to perform my duties directly at Crowley's side. I am expected to jump when he says to jump. Unfortunately for him, I'm a Winchester. I may be a monster but I haven't lost my ability to think freely.

"Nah, man. I like the bunker. Besides, I still need to look after Sammy. He is vulnerable on his own. Nobody will fuck with him as long as they think that I'm around." While this is true, there are plenty of other reasons that don't make the move south. I hear Sammy talk sometimes about finding a cure. I never left my body so my soul is still very much in tact; it's just my body and my mind that are changed for the worse. Sometimes when I'm calm enough I really consider pursuing this option with him. Most of the time my inner rage keeps me from ever moving forward with it though.

Crowley groans, "What is the real reason you keep turning me down? Huh, squirrel?"

I listen to him chug his own drink in frustration. Crowley isn't quite as cold as he was before the trials. There has to be some form of humanity still harboring within him. I refuse to mention it, although I cannot say the same for his other bull headed minions. Crowley hardly realized how many of the other demons resent him. But that's business, I suppose, and that's how Crowley runs things.

"He wanted me to deliver that file last month directly." I reveal to Crowley, even though I know he's already aware of that detail. When I look over him I watch his features melt from frustration to content irritation. Then suddenly he nods his head. His hands move quickly and the door is opened for me.

"You know what? I have some men in the area. I'll have them deal with these bozos. I've been working you harder than usual the last few weeks. If we get back to the hotel you might be able to catch the last rerun of Doctor Sexy." Crowley remarks. He says this and I know that he is right. I still watch that stupid show because it reminds me of who I used to be, even though it brings nothing pleasurable to me anymore. I agree to this and hop onto the seat without another word.

Checking in at the hotel is quick. Crowley flirts with literally everyone who is assisting us. As for me, everyone must see how hardcore my brooding is and how desperately I want to be left alone. Crowley drops me off in my room first while he dismisses the worker who escorted us to the top floors. When he's sure that everyone is gone he turns and looks at me directly.

"I was thinking about taking some time off. After that last case I've been thinking that it's time to talk to Cas." I admit to him. Crowley nods, mumbling that he'd suspected as much. We nod slowly at each other and then just break apart with understanding. Crowley was trying to win my friendship, I think, but he could tell that my loyalty would never be to him in the way it would be to Cas.

I enter my room and flip the light on; then I saunter to the closet and drop my bags and my jacket inside. I pull my shirt off and bend over to untie my laces. While I'm doing all of this I feel a shift in the air. Desperation washes over me but it is the sort that makes me wish that I am wrong about my suspicion.

For months I've refused to say or even _think_ _his name_ knowing that he would be listening. Even with his grace fading away there's no way he recognize my voice saying his name. But when I straighten myself and glance over window I see none other than Castiel standing with his hands folded behind his back. I walk over with my hands stuffed deep into my pockets to hide the fact that I am shaking nervously.

"I don't have much grace left. Please come with me." Cas says quietly. When I get to his side I just look at my angel's sullen features. Many times I had believed it couldn't be worse than it is for me. I worked my whole life as a hunter. It's the only business I know. Saving People, Hunting Things. That was my motto. And then I tried to be perfect and do what was right for the people but it wasn't enough. I still ended up being the very thing that I used to hunt. But when I see Cas' face now I know that he has had it worse than I have by a long shot.

"Sure thing." I agree, "Anywhere you want, Cas."

He moves so quickly after I say his name and he just pulls me into a hug. Usually I wouldn't have hugged him back but I cannot resist this time. He was the best friend I've ever had that wasn't my brother or Bobby. Even then, they were family. In a way I would always have to love them. I didn't have to care about Cas and he didn't have to care about me, yet in spite of no requirement to do so we did anyway.

Seconds later Cas drops us in a familiar location. Some people might not have recognized grass patches and trees, and there's a time that I may not have either. But I recognize where we are instantly. I step away from Cas and kneel to the ground, touching a permanently worn section of land.

"This is where I pulled you from perdition, Dean Winchester, and this is where things changed forever. When I freed you on orders I was nothing more than a loyal soldier to Heaven and the man I thought was my father. But on that day I found a new faith to follow. And I found that faith and dedication in a man who would change the world as everyone had always known it. Know this… my faith in you never weakened. Not. Even. Once." Cas reveals. When I stand back up to look Cas in the eyes I feel my emotions flare. I don't try to control when my eyes turn black and reveal what I am to others. My social circle is minimal, anyhow. But even though I can feel the change happen I cannot help but notice that Cas doesn't even flinch.

And nothing hurts worse than watching someone you care about accept the monster that you've become…

* * *

_If Heaven's grief brings hell's reign…_

_Then I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday._

_(I know I'm Bad News)_

_For Just One Yesterday…_

_(I saved it all for you)_

_I want to teach you a lesson, in the worst kind of way…_

_Still I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday._

_(I know I'm Bad News)_

_For Just One Yesterday._

_(I saved it all for you)_

_For Just One Yesterday._

* * *

Sam, Crowley, Cas and I are all sitting around the table picking at burgers that I made. The only person that is eating at a healthy rate is Sam, the only one who still experiences hunger. Cas picks at his food but can still taste every individual flavor in a fashion that is too overpowering to put aside. Crowley is taking delicate bites. And I'm just staring at my burger. I'm the only person who knows why I've made everyone come to the bunker for dinner.

"I want to split my time with you and Cas." I direct towards Crowley. It's been a couple of months since Cas met me in the hotel in Phoenix. His condition is getting worse with the grace and I need to spend all of the time I can with him until I can convince him to take the grace I've been saving. We haven't _actually_ discussed it yet but I am sure he will be adamant against using the grace. This knowledge never stopped me from collecting it, though.

Crowley takes a napkin and wipes the corners of his mouth, "Are you proposing that I give Cas joint custody of my only Knight of Hell?"

Sam puts his sandwich on the plate and then leaves the room. I shouldn't have expected him to stay behind. Whenever Cas showed up at the bunker after I've been working a particularly long night he would say he has an errand to run or that he was craving something we didn't have. I could see that he didn't want to be implicated in the matter. I don't blame him. This is a personal issue.

"Dean and I have a lot to catch up on since his change." Cas remarks coolly. Even though I can see his is not angry with me for springing this upon the pair of them I can see that he is feels somewhat cornered. Crowley turns his head to me and shrugs his shoulders.

A frown on his face betrays his real opinion, "If Cas can find work for you to do then he can have you half of the time."

I look to Cas somewhat helplessly. Crowley is willing to agree _if_ Cas has tasks that he needs carried out. I am surprised when he smiles and bobs his head approvingly. When he speaks I find myself both relieved and nervous, "There are still rebels and dissenters that Metatron has contacted. His execution tomorrow is likely to cause a minor uproar. Dean and I will work on disposing of them during the daytime. Then if there are tasks which you require to be completed he could perform those duties in the evenings." Cas makes a suggestion about a possible arrangement. He does this so fluidly that I almost feel he has done this without thinking whatsoever. After that, the two men for which I technically work for debate the possibilities.

Crowley denies Cas seven full days because he highly doubted that I would need that much time to carry out the assassinations. Instead, the King of Hell offers my angel entire weekends and every other day. I pointed out that he did not really need me for the trials downstairs, at which point Crowley submits. I work weekdays with Cas, weeknights with Crowley, and am completely free to do as I wish on the weekends. After that everyone is shaking hands and going their separate ways. Before Cas leaves I make sure to give him a hug, "See you in the morning."

I'm standing in front of the mirror and see that my skin is gray. My eyes are stuck being black. There are bags under my eyes. My hair is flat and greasy. Even Sam said something at breakfast about me looking awful. I've been working with Cas and Crowley for several weeks now and I simply cannot maintain the workload between them.

Metatron's radio broadcasts touched a lot more angels than Cas had expected. Hannah has been giving him multiple names daily of people who need to be questioned and potentially disposed. Crowley is the opposite. He finds fewer and fewer things for me to do, but sends me on difficult deal cash-ins. When the cross roads demons can't find someone who needs to pay up for their deal, I'm sent out to hunt them. I don't complain because the deal is made willing but sometimes tracking down these people gets tedious. If they have a full comprehension of what they've done then searching for them could become very time consuming.

I decide to grab my phone and try calling Crowley to say I can't work tonight. I need to sleep. But if I cancel on Crowley I need to cancel on Cas, too, and I just don't think I can do that. Being a demon doesn't make me impervious to tiring and damage, although it is rare for me to be so bogged by such things. But my body is wearing down and it's time to take a legitimate break.

Crowley and Cas are sitting on the couch now with files in front of them. Hannah has come today as well Sammy. I failed to seal the deal on a big case a couple of days ago and I decide that it is time to slow down. I'm still very young in demon years, after all, and will not be able to do quite as much as my counterparts.

"So let me get this straight, Winchester, you can't do all of the work that you're being assigned?" Hannah scoffs angrily. I watch as her eyes scan Cas' body. Suddenly I feel very territorial but I grit my teeth through it and focus on Crowley.

"I work all day. I work all night. I work twice as hard and twice as much as anyone else you have working beneath you. My situation is unique and unfortunately I'm weakening from the lack of rest. I need to be more selective about the cases that I am taking. Just because I can do a case doesn't mean that _I_ need to do _that_ case." When I say this Hannah sort of shrills and laughs simultaneously. She throws and arm up and gestures at Cas, which pisses me off. I step between her and my friend.

Hannah walks up to me and pokes me in the chest several times while she speaks, "Cas' time is already limited. Metatron spoke out against Cas frequently and has called for his death. Whose side are you on if you really can't make time to keep him alive!"

I used what little demon powers I have and throw her across the room. Crowley then snaps and sends her away from the bunker. This is when he stands and folds his arms, head shaking all the while; "Your primary role is to be a Knight of Hell. I don't really care _how _you get your work done just so long as your first loyalty is to Hell."

Cas agrees that Dean needs to make Crowley's tasks his priority since in the long run it will be Crowley who is able to stand by my side. Sam has been quiet throughout but speaks up, agreeing with Crowley too. I wiggle my lips around in disappointment that everyone thinks that I need to stay on Crowley's good side. But I know that he is the only reason I still exist. It was his bad advise that keeps me in Sammy's life. A demon guardian is better than none as far as I am concerned.

When everyone is gone Sam approaches me, sighing throughout his sentence periodically; "Remember when it was just you and me hunting monsters?"

Sam more than anyone knows that I would give anything to go back to the way things used to be…

* * *

_Letting people down is my thing, baby._

_Find yourself a new gig._

_This town ain't big enough for two of us._

_I don't have the right name, or the right looks._

_But I have twice the heart._

* * *

"She says you only have a few more weeks at best. The damage done to your vessel is catching up with you." I had shown Cas my stash of grace after asking him what he'd be willing to do for more time. He was not receptive.

"I don't care, Dean, I won't do it. There is nothing I want more than to be able to live in a time of peace with you and Sam…" I had snapped at him when he denied my offer.

"It's not stolen grace, Cas! These are people that _you_ ordered me to take down!" I argued, "I just want you to stick around!"

"I JUST WANT MORE TIME!" I began kicking the post on my dresser. Cas didn't even stay behind to talk to me about it. Instead he just told me that he was "very disappointed" that I didn't understand why he couldn't take the grace I've been saving _specifically_ to save him.

That was last week and we haven't spoken since. Now I'm training with Crowley in Hell. Today we're working on some of the finer demon powers that Reapers excel at most. I am having great difficulty extracting souls that are attached to a particular body or object. Crowley is telling me that most of the vengeful spirits are ones that the Reapers haven't gotten around to escorting yet. "Severely understaffed positions," he had told me, "but only a specific type of demon can succeed as a Reaper."

When I prove to be incapable of doing what is being asked of me, Crowley starts shouting at me for being distracted. "Your mind is on Cas when it should be on your work!"

One thing that sucks for Crowley is that I may not be a great Reaper but I've really come into my other powers quite nicely. I send him flying out of a window. As I turn back to the Reaper who was helping us, a demon by the name Cecil, I just point at him and make my orders clear, "Don't you fucking say a goddamn word about this."

Cecil disappears without question. I can't transport wherever I want yet but I can get to the bunker. Crowley told me that I might not be able to ever teleport because my soul never left my body, but I've proven him wrong. I am capable of doing it. Honing my skills may be end up being very difficult, though.

When I land back in my bedroom at the bunker I hear Sam talking on the phone. What he is saying is not clear to me but I wait until I know that he's hung up. As soon as I open my door and step out in the hall but I see Sammy is already on his way to me.

"Hey, Dean, you're back?" He asks as though he didn't already know. I shrug my shoulders sadly, wondering what is about to happen next.

"Crowley was getting on my nerves." I reply plainly.

Sam laughs, shoving a hand into his pocket and pushing the other this his hair, "About that…"

Crowley must have been the one who called. I look down at my boots and toy with the tip of the First Blade's holster. The silence is supposed to be Sam's window to talk but he hesitates. When I look back up he's just staring over my shoulder. I look back and see that Cas is leaning against the wall with a bloodied lip and sweaty brow.

"Dean, he's going to die if we don't give him some grace. Please." She rushes her words while trying to escort Cas to the bed. I can hear his groans of pain so I pat Sammy's shoulder and tell him we'll talk about it later. I really have no intention of discussing anything with him but pretending like I will at least gets him to walk away for the time being.

My hands open the cabinet delicately and pull out the smallest amount of grace I've collected. Hannah is slipping her jacket it off and using the sleeves to wipe blood from Cas' face. When I catch up to her, Cas gets a glimpse of the grace in my hand. He starts to resist but Hannah climbs onto my bed and holds his feet down. I climb over him and straddle his upper body, arms locked between my thighs. I feel the coldness of his vessel dying. I take the stopper from a tiny test tube that I picked up from the lab in the bunker and press it directly up against his nostrils.

Cas tries desperately to hold his breath, but I take out my pocketknife and make a small incision just behind his ear. Out of shock he pummels his face against the glass and inhales deeply. The grace enters his body and immediately takes effect. The cut heals instantly and his breathing regulates beneath my body. Hannah backs away and I slide off of him. When he is able to sit up he snaps and sends Hannah back to Heaven. I then use my powers to shut the bedroom door.

"You're not running away from me, Castiel, not this time." My words are all but a command to him. Too bad for me - he is having none of it of my bullshit. Cas shoves me onto the floor. I won't fight him back, though. He comes over and he kicks me. I allow myself to be beaten as Cas lets out his frustration, "THAT WAS NOT YOUR DECISION TO MAKE!"

"I MADE IT BECAUSE…" But Cas punches me in the face before I can get the entire thought out of my mouth. And he's gone before I can recover.

* * *

_Anything you say can and will be held against you._

_So, only say my name – it will be held against you._

_Anything you say can and will be held against you._

_So, only say my name – it will be held against you._

* * *

My training has been going great and Crowley has invited me to dinner with him. It's some really fancy place in New York. I've never heard of it. Sammy and I never really ventured too close to big cities. We worked a case in Chicago one time, but typically the task force is bigger. After that run in with the FBI once… never again, let's just say that. Just say 'no' to big cities.

Sam shows me a clear picture of the street where the restaurant is located so that I am able to visualize exactly where it is I'm trying to go. He told me it works like in Harry Potter, which Crowley was able to confirm confidently. I didn't argue about this nerd thing and instead just went along with it. When I teleported myself there I was really surprised. I straightened my blood red tie and left the jacket undone. I strolled inside and grinned at the beautiful young hostess. I approached her and gave her the name that Crowley assured me that he made reservations under.

"Knight, private dining, seven o'clock." I recite it exactly the way that Crowley instructed. The girl seems somewhat disappointed when I tell her the details, at which point she offers a quaint curtsy. As she asks me to follow her, I check my phone and see that Crowley has sent me another message.

_I'm running late. Have yourself a few drinks while you wait, _and I can't help but be pissed off. I don't eat at these sorts of places – especially when I'm alone. Crowley may be high class and that sort of shit, but I've been a greasy-burger-joint kind of guy my whole life. A five-star restaurant is just not in my repertoire.

The hostess, who I make quickly note is named Holly, stops in front of a golden velvet curtain. She pulls it open and reveals beautiful a small circular booth with a lovely mahogany table. I thank her for her assistance and then plop onto the black leather seats.

"Would you like an appetizer while you wait for your partner, or perhaps our signature champagne?" Holly offers very kindly. Knowing that I'll be waiting for an undetermined amount of time I just tell her that I would appreciate both. Off she goes without another word and I'm stuck sitting at the table.

My body naturally slumps when I'm bored, and since nobody can see me with the curtain closed I don't give a fuck how I look right now. As I am waiting I remember that Sam downloaded these games onto my phone. Since there aren't any coloring pages I decide to pull it out and play. I don't partake in video gaming entirely as often as I would like to, after all. The first game that I find is Angry Birds. I start at level one with a frown on my face.

Sixteen levels later Holly returns with a small serving of lobster risotto. I am confused but I don't argue. I've never been anywhere that picks your appetizer for you. Actually, I can't remember the last time I've been somewhere where I could even order an appetizer… Anyway, she ends up setting another plate across from me. Instead of questioning her I figure I can just eat it after she's walked away. I doubt that Crowley will be here in time to eat it before it gets cold anyway. Holly then sets a bottle on the table, stating that she'll grab two glasses and return momentarily.

The risotto is delicious. I'm about halfway through my plate when the curtains get pulled back again. Only this time it's not Holly.

"Dean?" Hearing my name from his lips makes my thoughts scramble. I forget what I was thinking about and where I was and what I was supposed to be doing. Communication with him had been cut off. He was still pissed about the grace…

"Fuck…" I say as I stand up to greet Cas kindly. I am surprised when he hugs me back, stating exactly how he feels.

Just like he always does, "I've missed you."

We hug longer than usual, and I squeeze him harder than I think I meant to; but things have always been different with Cas. I need him to stick around and just stay. He's the best friend that I've ever had and I feel like every time I try to save him I end up losing him. Instead of being a dick right now I am going to let him lead me. I want him to show me what he wants so that I don't have to lose him again.

When Holly returns she takes our order for a main course, and then tells us that desert is on the house for Mr. Knight and his guests. I want to ask why but I decide this is not the time. I also decide that there's no point in knowing, especially when she tells me that today the desert being served is a fresh blueberry pie. She leaves shortly after to place our order. Cas and I are alone now and neither one of us are daring to make eye contact immediately.

"Do you remember that strip club you took me to? The one where we got chased out because I – well – you know – I…" But I can't keep it together as he's trying to identify the memory for me. Laughter jumps from behind my teeth against my will. Besides that, I already know which one it is without his description.

"Yes, I remember exactly which one you're talking about. What brings it up?" I ask pleasantly, spooning up a tiny bit more of my risotto. If I have too much in my mouth I might not be able to reply to Cas' strange statements. The ability to laugh would be greatly hindered, too.

Cas just grins, "I was passing through that area on a case the other day. It made me think of you. That's all."

When I finish chewing and glance up to Cas, thinking of the right way to respond, I catch him staring at me. His brows are scrunched together. The expression makes me think that he's disgruntled. I'm aware that is just his regular expression, though. Poor guy defaults to uncomfortable.

"You know, I was driving the Impala to the grocery story to pick up some food for Sam. A song came on the radio that reminded me of you. I have no idea who sings it because it was some pop crap, but some of the words… yeah…" I made myself stop talking after that. Sharing that memory with Cas really meant nothing if I couldn't back it up with more information. Then again, it would fall on deaf ears even if I didn't know the artist and title. Cas might be a little more informed in terms of literature, but music still doesn't click with him completely. Also, I'm not good with words. Not when it means something, anyway.

Cas smiles just the same, though, "That means a lot to me, Dean."

For the remainder of dinner we just share different stories back and forth about our happiest memories. Most of Cas' pertain to me. Many of mine include him but I tell him about some of the fun things I've done with Sam too. Even a couple of things I've done with Crowley lately make the list. The entire evening is very grand. When we leave, Holly informs us that "Mr. Knight" has paid for the entire evening.

I almost forgot that I was supposed to be dining with him tonight. It would be a lie to say that I wasn't happier dining with Cas. When we get outside I walk with Cas for a few blocks, wandering in silence. We're both trying to figure out what we should say or what we should do now. At first I was going to invite him back to bunker for the remainder of the evening. Unfortunately, I see his eyes shift. Angel radio – I just know it.

"Hannah needs to meet with me." I can tell by the way his chin quivers just slightly that he has chosen his words deliberately. Those were not Hannah's words. She clearly has feelings for Cas and I am not even surprised. Cas is a really, _really _great guy.

My heart sinks but I know I must wish him farewell; "Keep in touch."

Cas stuck his hand out. This hurts since I had just hugged him in the restaurant but I oblige. When he flickers out of sight I just follow in his footsteps, figuratively. I return the bunker. Very consciously I land in the kitchen. I pull a case of beer from the refrigerator and stalk off to my bedroom to hopefully finish the night drunk.

"Dinner with Crowley go that bad, huh?" Sam hollers, probably without even lifting his gaze from the computer. He's probably not even looking at porn. I bet he's reading the news and for some unknown reason it just pisses me off even more.

"FUCK OFF, BITCH!" I scream.

"GO TO BED, JERK!" He replies. It brings the tiniest smile to my lips but not enough to take my mind off what is really bothering me.

* * *

_If Heaven's grief brings hell's reign…_

_Then I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday._

_(I know I'm Bad News)_

_For Just One Yesterday…_

_(I saved it all for you)_

_I want to teach you a lesson, in the worst kind of way…_

_Still I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday._

_(I know I'm Bad News)_

_For Just One Yesterday._

_(I saved it all for you)_

_For Just One Yesterday._

* * *

"You've almost got it down." Crowley assures me. I have lost track of how much time has passed since dinner in New York with Cas. He made no effort to keep in contact with me. And if I am being fair – I haven't reached out to him at all either. We see each other for cases that I do for him and Hannah. But he doesn't come to the Bunker anymore. He doesn't call. I'm really pissed off about it but I know that I can't do anything about it. Well, I could do something but I don't want to make the first move to reestablish our friendship. Not to mention that Cas would be hesitant to get close me again. I'm a Knight of Hell now. I am basically the enemy.

"Deanmon?" Crowley calls me by his pet name. Sam thinks it is really clever but I fucking hate it. When he says it I just spin around and Force Choke him like Darth Vader. Crowley snaps and two of his lackeys appear to restrain me. Standing down immediately, I realize that I'm just taking out all of my rage on Crowley over something that I usually just laugh off.

Sighing is the only thing I can do after my actions, "Sorry. Tense."

Crowley stops the training. The Djinn that was trying to explain her powers and how she causes the hallucinations is immediately relocated. I grab my belongings believing that Crowley has had enough of me for the night. However, he snatches my wrist as I'm trying to walk out of the front door. After I blink I find that he's moved us to one of his rendezvous points.

"Stay for a drink, my compliments." When he offers me a drink I never turn it down. He returns with a glass of wine and places it directly into my hands. He takes a seat next to me and crosses his legs very – I don't know – properly? I just keep my legs spread and hover over the floor with my elbows on my knees.

That's when Crowley breaks the short silence existing between us, "Word on the street that Hannah has been trying to capture Castiel's heart. I don't suppose I'd be wrong in guessing that this is was troubles you…"

No such thing has reached my ears. Yet this does not shock me at all. Hannah would go against everything she held close to her morally to keep Cas alive. She had no problem letting me give him the salvaged grace I'd been collecting; but in any other situation I would have been condemned for the same. She didn't even care about what Cas felt after the fact.

Much to me dismay it was her whom he forgave first.

"It doesn't really matter." I state just before throwing back the entire glass. Crowley then hands me his, expressing that he had no interest in drinking anyhow.

As I am staring into the fire I swear that I see Cas' face, but I don't say a word about it. My mind is playing tricks on me, I'm sure of it. Thankfully my focus is redirected when Crowley decides to monologue.

"There isn't a damn thing that angel wouldn't give for you. He'd trade his grace. He'd let Heaven fall – well, he did let Heaven fall, actually. But he'd allow Hell to reign. Whatever the sacrifice be - Castiel wouldn't think twice if the choice was between you and humanity. His choice always has been and always will be you. It hardly matters that Hannah is attracted to him because his heart belongs to you, Dean Winchester. That angel needs you." This evokes a deeper emotion from me. One that I'd forgotten several years ago when I chose to leave Lisa and Ben behind to keep hunting…

A tear starts to trickle down my cheek. I'm pretty sure that Crowley can't see it, "And I need him. I don't know it most of the time but I _need_ him."

"Then why don't you tell him?" I know now that Crowley is prodding. He's just getting into my business because it's his hobby and this is entertaining to him. The topic means a lot to me and I cannot stop feeling the pain of it all just because the King of Hell is probably trying to use it against me.

So I just laugh as more tears form and begin to fall, "It doesn't matter what I feel or how badly. Cas and I are too far apart. Time has passed and created a distance between us. And besides that – I'm a fucking demon now. We could not be more different from each other if we tried."

An audible sob comes out of me, which I try to cover up with another laugh. Swiping my eyes dry, I stare into the fire again wondering if I'll see his face this time as well. I don't but the heat hits me and gives me enough control to throw back the remainder of Crowley's glass. When I finish I set both glasses on the ground by my feet. And I just go back to the bunker from there.

Going through the motions is second nature for me. I clean my guns. I throw my dirty clothes in a pile in the corner of my room. I pull the covers of my bed back so that when I'm done showering I can crawl in and just relax. There's a new issue of Busty Asian Beauties on my desk that I might grab. Nothing is better for relieving my stress than sexual release, which I know is incredibly unhealthy. Sammy is always trying to tell me that I've got some sort of addiction. I won't deny it for a second but I personally feel like my promiscuous behavior is less deterring than the fact that I'm – well - a _demon_.

Yeah, I think I'll win that argument all day, every day.

By the time I'm finished showering I just crawl into bed. I have the magazine next to me but I just chuck it across the room. At this point I know I won't be able to get aroused by anything; I'm just too depressed for any other feeling to coexist in my body right now. I bury myself under the cover and pull a pillow over my ears so that I can just isolate myself in a heavy sleep.

_Would things be any different if I were human?_ I ask myself. Unfortunately, when I pose this question to myself I already know the answer. Things will _always_ be complicated between Cas and I – we're destined to be that way.

* * *

_If I spilled my guts – the world would never look at you…_

_The same…_

_Way…_

_And now I'm here…_

_To give you all my love._

_So I can watch your face as I take it all away…_

_Away…_

_Away, hey hey._

_Hey._

* * *

I'm listening to Sammy give me the run down of the case over the phone. Crowley and I are meeting at a warehouse where Cas said he was going to be sitting. Apparently he made this plan to lure our target in so that we could bring her down. Sammy and Hannah were working together from the bunker.

"It's the goddess Astraea. She is a symbol of the Golden Age. She is reborn during times of great peace and civility. If that peace or prosperity or justice is threatened she is said to step in to maintain the equality. I don't see any lore that suggests a stake won't kill her. It _should_ be pretty easy case. Hannah says that she hasn't heard anything contrary either." Sammy takes a sip of something on his end of the phone. I'm going to bet it was coffee. He tends to drink coffee when I'm away. His shoulder injury never healed properly or even completely; and every other hunt he's making it worse with one accident or another. I think he knows how vulnerable he's become over time. We lean on each other. That's how we made this far together.

"Well, I'll call you later when we get the job done. Tell Hannah I'll make sure we bring Cas home safe." She can be heard softly saying 'thank you' to Dean in the background. I know Cas means just as much to her as he means to me; but when I make the promise to her I'm making it to myself as well. If he doesn't want to be happy at my side he may as well be happy with her. And happy is all I want him to be at this point.

Crowley is already at the location Cas described when I arrive. Crowley has four stakes and I take two off his hands right away. There's nothing else that needs to be discussed. Crowley walks around the back and I charge in from the front.

Unsurprisingly, there's absolutely no army of any sort. Gods and goddesses always think they are better than needing reinforcements. Some of them probably are, but I've faced enough of them that all I see her as is another bag guy. I am able to walk straight into the center of the building. No tricks, trips, mazes, or gigs. Cas appears lounging on a rickety bench with his arms folded. I wave at him gently to get his attention.

"Any sign of Astraea?" I ask while approaching. Cas turns only slightly to me and that's when I see blood trickling out of his mouth. This shreds my heart ruthlessly. The first thought I have is,_ She already got to him_, and I was sure that he would be dying.

"CAS!" I growl when I get closer to him. I straighten his body and start patting his body down anxiously trying to identify the wound. I can't find anything, though, so I start smacking his cheek gently; "Castiel, you answer me right now, you fucking assbutt."

A smile flickers over my lips. For a brief moment the stressful time in which he said 'assbut' for the first time makes me happy. But Cas doesn't stir much. He does let out a sharp breath. I start to lift him up but that's when Crowley comes strolling in with…

"Cas?" Crowley and I both shout questioningly. We both pull out our stakes and point it at the Castiels that we are standing with.

"Where did you find him?" My question is met with a straight face and absolutely no patience. Crowley says that he found Cas standing by the staircase holding his ribcage and coughing up blood. I poke my Cas' ribcage fiercer than when I frisked him and he flinches. It would seem that both bodies are in exactly same physical state. I grab my Cas and throw him upwards onto his feet.

"You know him best, Winchester. Which one is the real Castiel?" This puts a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. It's not like when I had to save Sam's life or sacrifice my own life. Crowley was not asking me to just assassinate someone for a case…

He was asking me to figure out which Cas to kill and to hope that it was the right one. I could feel my body ache in rage, and in sorrow. Sweat is beading up on the back of my neck very rapidly.

"This is an impossible situation. If they are both in the same condition it's likely that they will both have the same state of mind too. And a goddess who feels threatened isn't going to give up without a fight. She's not going to give use anything that will identify her as the look-a-like." I announce. The Cas I found is standing back-to-back with the Cas who came trotting in with Crowley. Our stakes are pointed at them as I am stuck mulling over what I could do or say to figure out which Cas to drive through…

"Which of you is the _real_ Cas?" Crowley grumbles. The Cas in front of him speaks first.

"It's not me. I'm not the real one. Stab me." He says. Then mine speaks.

"She's just saying that so you stab me. She is trying to trick you into stabbing me." I have never been so frightened of losing someone in my life, or I guess my _existence_ now. I can see it both ways. What the hell am I supposed to fucking do?

"Crowley, I can't make this call." I groan through barred teeth.

"I love you, Dean." The one in front of me whispers.

"I always loved you." The other says.

Crowley looks at me, "You have to make the call. You either figure out which one is the real Cas or we kill them both."

Both of the Castiels start laughing. I'm listening close to try to figure out which one sounds different. But they are exactly the same. I feel myself beginning to cry. Crowley is shouting at me and telling me that I have to make a decision.

I can't do this.

I can_not_ do this.

"Face me! Both of you!" I scream through my tears. Crowley's Castiel turns towards me and both of them are standing side-by-side. My eyes are bouncing back and forth between them. There has to be _something_ telling me who is the real Cas. That's when I think of the best solution.

"Kiss me." I whisper. Neither one of them respond to me.

"Goddamn it, Cas, I said kiss me. If you love me then kiss me!" I repeat myself with a grisly tone that I'm convinced was scarier than it was passionate. The Cas that Crowley found leans in first, but the other Cas grabs him and throws him aside. One of them pulls and angel blade and stabs it deep into the chest of the other. It happens so quickly that I can't even remember which one did the stabbing. But when my eyes catch the one that was stabbed…

…I feel all of the air go out of me as I see blue flicker in his eyes.

Crowley takes action as I fall to my knees, everything slowing down. The sound. My breathing. The demon blood freezes in my veins. Each crawled motion that brings me nearer to Cas takes more life out of me, and I didn't have any life to spare. Blue is just flickering quickly through him as the damage fights with his will to live.

When my skin touches his everything speeds up again. Cas is gasping to control the pain and I'm gasping because I'm panicked.

"Cas, no. No! How do I fix this?" I know that I'm crying so hard that I'm covered in tears and snot. I hear myself heaving when I speak; "TELL ME HOW TO HELP YOU! PLEASE!"

But he can't say anything, "Come on, Cas, don't do this. I need you. I love you, Cas. Please. PLEASE! You can't leave me."

I watch as the last bit of light dims in his eyes. I have seconds at best. And as I think this whatever was left of him is gone. I didn't even get to blink.

"CASTIEL!"

"CASTIEL, COME BACK!"

"GODDAMN IT! COME BACK!"

I am punching the floor around him and ripping skin from my knuckles. I screaming so loud that I feel the blood stained floor trembling. My eyes are switching from their natural green to black and back again. I know that power is just seeping from me. My humanity is dying and the underlying hatred that makes demons so evil is quickly replacing it.

"I NEED YOU CAS!" I rip the angel blade from his body and drop it on the ground next to his dead vessel. When angels die they don't go anywhere. They can't be summoned again. They cease to exist and leave absolutely no trace. Castiel is gone in every sense of the word.

My hands formed fists over the flaps of his trench coat. I pull his lips to mine and kiss his dead body softly. The only kiss I got to share with him was after his light was blotted out…and nothing feels worse than the regret of not sharing your love with someone who could have literally shared an eternity with you. My future is lying dead in my hands.

Finally, I've met my match.

"Dean…" a strangely paternal voice escapes Crowley's mouth but I refuse to hear him.

"Dean…" he repeats, "…my boy…"

"Call Sam." I state with a shaky voice. Crowley grabs me by the chin and turns my gaze away form Cas.

"CALL SAM!" I shriek at him. Crowley seems to understand that all I need now is to grieve. I hear his footsteps walking away. Crowley hangs up, mumbling back at me that there was no answer. I pick Cas' body after pocketing the angel blade. Crowley and I go to the Impala in complete silence.

* * *

_If Heaven's grief brings hell's reign…_

_Then I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday._

_(I know I'm Bad News)_

_For Just One Yesterday…_

_(I saved it all for you)_

_I want to teach you a lesson, in the worst kind of way…_

_Still I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday._

_(I know I'm Bad News)_

_For Just One Yesterday._

_(I saved it all for you)_

_For Just One Yesterday._

* * *

When I wake up in the morning I forget that I'm the King of Hell. I forget for just a few seconds everything that took place on the night that I lost Cas. We returned to the bunker with Cas' dead body. Hannah had been the one to rally Astraea in hopes of getting rid of me. She had hired demons to start rumors and commit acts of treason against the arrangements in place. Cas was a target because Hannah knew how Dean felt about him. When she felt Cas' light flicker off on the angel radio she murdered Sammy.

When I stand up and catch a reflection of myself in the black pool - that conveniently allows me to travel anywhere in Hell I need to go - I just turn away. Today we are convening with all of the officials of Heaven and Hell to reestablish the boundaries. With Cas and Hannah gone another angel stepped in to take their place, a young woman who was to be a prophet but was murdered when Kevin was being searched. She was appropriately named Seraphina. Supposedly she had worked closely with Cas' men in heaven doing research on more peaceful resolutions in times of war. They sent me a memo on all of the changes quite a while ago but I read only enough to pissed off.

I dress deliberately with the awareness I am expected to look professional. I'll never willingly wear a suit again, but I make myself wear a standard Oxford with cotton slacks and the same blood red tie I wore on the only date I ever shared with Cas. Even though I didn't know it was a date then it is the way that I see it now. It's the closest to having a relationship Cas I ever got. I shake my jaw with these thoughts in my head and I step through the portal.

The throne room is filled with the thirteen other Hell representatives who were working with Crowley. Thankfully the transition has been easy. A lot of people had been leery of Crowley's human blood addiction and were happy to see me take over. He stepped down out of the desire to be human again. There was some sort of speech about how I reminded him how much he wanted to be a father? I, on the other hand, have nobody and no reason left to live for... My rule will be an objective one based on the option most beneficial for Heaven and Hell.

"Is everyone ready to go?" I ask sullenly. Everyone fakes a smile for me knowing that a large part of me is still angry that Cas is dead; but that fury has not yet interfered with my ability to rule. I don't think anyone could have asked for better than what I was getting right now. When I snap my fingers all of us teleport to the agreed upon conferencing location at once…

"DEAN!" The woman who must be Seraphina welcomes me cheerfully. I flash my best grin at her and even welcome her into a cautious hug. Everyone around us claps. She takes the head seat for the angels and I take mine for the demons. As the meeting begins I listen intently and make notes of things that I do not agree with. It's the most productive I've ever been when I'm not hunting and I laugh a little to myself. In an alternate universe I was some big wig in an office and I had done pretty good, apparently. At any rate, I am at least good at what I'm doing now. Things have to be debated briefly here in and there but in the end everyone reaches an agreement. The meeting itself takes less than two hours.

Demons and Angels have no desire to co-mingle but some do stay behind and discuss projects that are relevant or intertwined with one another. I take this opportunity to speak to Seraphina one-on-one. There was a personal matter that he had asked to be addressed several months ago.

"Seraphina, it was nice to finally meet you in person today!" The way I speak sounds very enthusiastic even if I know my features are betraying me. My hand is held out and she shakes mine with both of hers. Much like Cas, she doesn't care who you are or what you are if your intentions are pure. And even though I am the King of Hell, she knows that I want what's fair – not what's powerful.

"You are even more handsome that my assistant suggested," she almost sings at me. Really, if I had not been so broken he might have found her alarmingly alluring. I gave up those ways when I'd lost one person too many. Her voice is more like a whisper when she speaks again, "I brought him with me today. He's in the lobby if you would like to meet him. I would love to have your approval. There is nothing more important to me than embodying the peaceful rule that Cas would have carried out were he still with us."

Hearing her voice say his name opens the wounds all over again. Instead of crying now my eyes just turn black. Replacing the hurt with rage helps me cope. But as soon as I'm calm they switch back and I just follow her as we exit the room. Our representatives are capable of behaving themselves; of this we are both sure.

"My darling! I have brought the King of Hell to meet you!" She calls out before we're even completely inside of the lobby. In front of us is a giant gentleman with his hands resting limply at his side. He is clad in a pristine white suit and sports long brown hair that is pulled back into a ponytail. I'm expecting a hippy straight away.

As we get closer I feel a sense of familiarity, but I can't identify it because Seraphina begins talking; "Even though is my assistant he's also a bit of my romantic partner. I trust him with many of my personal and most delicate matters. I think you will find that he can provide you the answers you wanted from all those months ago."

Seraphina falls back but I don't notice right away. When I glance over my shoulder she waves her hand wildly at me to focus on what's in front of me. As I twist back around I recognize him in my peripheral vision before I even see his face.

"SAMMY!" I smirk. I don't believe my eyes, so I have to shout it again just to be sure that the name registers with the figure in front of me, "SAMMY!"

He bends down and gives me a brotherly hug that I'd forgotten could feel so good. The familial love that I've been missing for years comes back like it did the night that Sam agreed to begin hunting with me again.

Seraphina joins us again and tells me that she had been going through every nook and cranny of heaven trying to find Sam or Bobby or Jess. Bobby was easy to find but he was with his wife. Jess was very difficult to pinpoint but Sam wasn't with her either. In the end, she'd found him in a hoard of hunters. Ellen and Jo, friends of ours she believed, were there. They ended up pointing her in the right direction. Then she reveals, "I found him a couple of weeks ago…"

I wince when she says this, but Sammy touches her shoulder. There is some unspoken conversation between them that causes her to leave us. I curse the angel radio silently. Sam and I wander around for a little bit in silence, but eventually he does explain himself.

"When Seraphina found me she had to explain what had happened since I died. Then she had to explain some work that she had been doing before the incident with Cas. Instead of letting you know where I was right away she sent me to work on some research that Cas had ordered a few months before he died." Sam is very invested in what he's saying. That never mattered much to me, though.

"What could he possibly have been researching that was more important than telling me that you were alive?" Call me a douche bag if you will, but I am sort of bitter about the fact that she's had him for two weeks – _already established a romantic relationship with him_ – before I even knew on paper that he was found. So, I personally feel like my question is totally justified.

Sam doesn't open his mouth but instead hands me a file. It is titled "Angel Blade Relocation." The writing is unmistakably Cas' on the tab. "Read it, Dean," Sam encourages. So I stop walking and pull the cover back and look at the handwritten note. It's from a hotel that I had stayed at about a year ago. I wonder when he had been there and if he'd been checking up on me at the time.

_Trials on the angel blades have been going on for approximately two months. Our research team was able to identify the strand of genetics that angels and demons have which allows us to teleport. We've condensed that code in a blade point. It is transparent and is essentially undetectable. The technology activates as soon as angel blood touches it. The entire process takes an undetermined amount of time. The few successful trials that we have run took approximately twenty-four hours to fully take effect. Some reports stated it took forty-eight hours and others said as little as twelve hours. This suggests to me that the transition is dependent on a variable factor. It likely cannot be identified. For now we will only maintain one test blade. Until we can fully conclude that this technology is reliable and effective in lieu of more violent alternatives at the very least. In the meantime, increased trials will take place with imprisoned angels._

When I finish reading this note I look back up at Sammy. Tears were steadily falling from my face. I push the file back into his hands as he watches me slowly. I still have the blade that Cas had been stabbed with… I was never able to part with the weapon that ended his life. When I pull it out I lift the blade and set the point against my skin. Knowing now how minute of an extension the teleportation device of the blade is I find it excruciatingly easy to identify the slightly detached shadow. Hopeful as I am, I return my gaze to Sam.

"Dean, what would you give to have Cas back?" Sam asks concisely. Before I am able to answer I hear a door open in the distance to my right. My body twists around quick enough to witness Cas exiting from a side room. My hands push the angel blade into Sam's arms. In those romantic comedy movies and dramas that humans drool over… usually you see the people jogging in slow motion or slowly walking up to their presumably-lost-loved-one. Others do a full sprint, though, and that's what I'm embodying right now.

I feel completely weightless as I run to Cas. And when I finally reach him I knock him into a wall. My hands wrap around his cheeks and hold the angel in place as my mouth melds to his and our tongues brush against one another with undiluted passion. When I part for a second I condemn him, "Goddamn it, Cas."

But I can't let him speak for himself. Instead I delve deeper and take from him another breath; "Goddamn it, Cas."

After a third kiss Cas pushes me back a little, but keeps his hands gripped on my shirt. It's not at all different from how I held onto him the day he died. The day I believed he died.

"There is no God, Dean. It's just me." I ran my right hand through his messy hair and just shake my head. Sammy just asked me what I'd give to have Cas back. But as I stare him in the eye I decide that I've already given everything up to have him. He's my born-again angel and, at last, there will be nothing else that will take him away.

* * *

A/N: I outlined this a long time ago, at least nine months ago, during my lunch at work. I've been sitting on it because I wanted the story to be powerful. I wanted you to cry. I wanted you to feel your heart race and your heart break. And then I wanted to make you smile and laugh with the characters and find growth within the characters. I still don't know if I achieved it as perfectly as I wanted to - but I'll tell you what... I'm proud of this. I hope you as a reader found as much enjoyment out of it as I've had! Comments and favorites are cherries on top :):)


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